In his book "Predictably Irrational", Dan Ariely discusses how people seem to throw all rational thought out the door when confronted with a "FREE!" option. Basically, we tend to pick the free choice, even if we don't want or need it. He believes the reason is due to our fear of missing out on something: "... humans are intrinsically afraid of loss. The real allure of FREE! is tied to this fear."
Ariely's research brought to mind a watershed moment I had two years ago. I'd been dancing for a troupe, performing one or two numbers per show. One day, the artistic director asked me whether I could fill in for a group dance. And another. And, oh, there's another one, why don't you do that one, too?
Let's consider: I was working a full time job in corporate. I already rehearsed several days of the week, squeezing whatever time I could afford in my schedule. With several more dances, I'd have to give up precious family time and downtime. I knew I wouldn't get the same utility out of these additional dances because I was an extra body the director needed to fill space to round out the aesthetics - I would be growing less for the amount of time I had to spend waiting around in the studio while other parts were being rehearsed. To boot, I wouldn't even get paid for these long rehearsals!
The rational person (by this I refer to rational economic theory) would see that turning down these offers wins hands down. I'd keep my time with family and myself, and stay sane. But what did I do? I agreed to more and more numbers until I was in 7 dances in one show, completely stressed, injured and my dancing subpar because I wasn't able to focus my mental and physical energies well. Worse, my family felt pushed aside, which added to my stress.
Why did I do this? My watershed moment came to me in a cafe one morning when I suddenly realized I was a slave to my fear of Missing Out. Why go out on a limb for comparatively little benefit? Because I could be onstage! If I didn't do it, I would miss my chance to be onstage! That's why.
After this realization, once I understood my underlying motivation, I was suddenly able to see how I could maximize my benefit while balancing the amount of time in rehearsal. This way, I'd be onstage less but with more benefit with each dance, and I'd have more time with loved ones and myself.
I must stress that not dancing was not an option - rehearsals speak to my desire to move and to perform. There's nothing else in life quite like the adrenaline surge of being onstage - the give and take conversation with the audience - to deny myself this would be akin to lopping off a part of me.
Once I identified my fear of 'missing out', it transformed from a large, unnamable cloud of anxiety to a little thing I could define and encapsulate into a box, in my mind. And by acknowledging it, I could manage it. I still have this fear, but it's much easier to identify when it rears its head now.
To be sure, when your gut tells you to go for something (say, a risky but exciting project that you could learn much from), by all means pay attention. But, if you feel compelled to do something even though everything about it is a drag on your life without much gain to you, it may be that you're simply afraid of what it might mean if you *don't* do it.
If that's the case, it's probably better off reevaluating or questioning your impulse. I'm probably stretching his words here, but as Ariely seems to imply, there is a cost to giving into this fear of loss.
I think it comes down to keeping things in perspective. What is really important to you? So what if you don't go with something - you may be allowing yourself the freedom to attend to what truly matters. Only you know the answer.
(To learn more about Dan Ariely and his book, see this great interview from Infectious Talk!)
