Cat Herding: The hardest (read: best) part is unseen

Intelligent, independent, unpredictable ... and so valuable!

Managing any program or project is, on the surface, all about timelines, milestones, stakeholders, plans, and budgets.  It's easy to look at the tangibles.  But what does a program manager (or indeed, anyone who leads any initiative) spend the vast majority of his or her time and energy on?  It's the cat herding: getting people onboard and keeping them onboard throughout the entire experience. 

It's Tough ... 

I mean this in the best possible way.  Why cat herding?  You can formulate a strategy to round up everyone needed for the project to succeed, but each person will have his or her own agenda and priorities - as should be.  What's tough is that you'll never know exactly what will become especially salient or present a roadblock, and when they might occur.  As far as I'm given to understand, this is not unlike the highly individualistic and unpredictable cat - and that's not a bad thing. 

Fostering a collaborative environment in any project is of paramount importance to me, because working with people to make something happen isn't about wrangling folks, getting what you want out of them, and then discarding them (or locking them up in a pen ... what does one do with cats after herding them, anyway?).  

These are people integral to the success of the initiative, and it's my job to present and remind them of the overall goal we're trying to reach.  Sure, there may be a million and one ways to get to that goal, so if I spend the time and effort getting to know everyone and what's important to each person, I can hopefully work with him or her in a way that allows their key wishes to be met as part of the main outcome.

... But Worth It

For better or for worse, all this work isn't readily quantifiable and come status check or performance review time, it doesn't show up as part of the metrics of accomplishment.  However, an astute manager will understand what it takes to get a project of many moving parts and people off the ground, much less to success.  

For me, whether this cat herding is ultimately recognized or not, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I led the project in the way I believe should be done: having done due diligence with everyone involved, taking the time to explain in a customized way when needed, to persuade and to simply show you care about each person's needs.  Whether they're all met or not, at least I'll have set expectations and there's understanding on both sides.  

It's all about cultivating strong, healthy relationships - if the project succeeds and the team falls apart, I'm not sure I would consider that success for the long term. So onward with cat herding!  If we're going to do something, let's do it right. 

Leadership Maxims: Leading People

All together, now! Motivated people => harmonious output.
Note: I'm not in any way implying that people on real teams are muppet penguins! 

When people ask me about what's most important in leading others, I first tell them that coming from a place of openness, transparency, and caring is key.  Then, I direct them to my posts "Nurturing People = Nurturing Motivation" (Part 1 and Part 2). While this is good reference, it's more reading; I needed to distill key points to help people get the gist in a conversation.  Here's the written version!

*****

Leadership Maxims: Leading People

After starting a tiny team from scratch and growing it to a much larger team, thereafter inheriting another large team, I've had the pleasure (and rocky moments!) of experiencing what it took to build a productive, happy group of people.  

Here, in no particular order, are my maxims:

Present Reality, Inspire Hope

You can't hide the truth, however ugly, from anybody for very long.  People are smart; they figure things out!  I always try to convey to my teams the reality of the circumstance, but follow it up with what I am (or what management is) doing to mitigate and/or what we can do as a team to make lemonade out of lemons.

Let People Know You're There For Them

Making yourself accessible boosts engagement, and I don't mean just "ping me if you need anything" but as in visiting folks and just saying hello and asking how they're doing. 

Let People Know You Understand

Know their job so they know you understand what they're going through. Provide context to them: acknowledge any parts of the job that aren't exciting, convey the ultimate impact their work has on the business, encourage them to bring their creativity where it makes sense. 

A Few Kind Words

A congratulatory email on a job well done. A quick stop by your team member's desk to say "I like what you did," or "You're going in the right direction" - anything to let them know you care, and you notice them and what they're doing.  It only takes mere moments, and it goes a long way. 

*****
I shared this on Mike Figliuolo's Leadership Maxims forum, a great place to read and share best practices on leading in four areas: Leading Yourself, Leading the Thinking, Leading People, and Leading a Balanced Life.

Mike is the author of the book and site One Piece of Paper, which gives you tools to distill and convey your approach to leadership in a simple, authentic way.

I was inspired by Mike's method, and the Maxims forum helped me identify the most important elements in my leadership style to share with others. Check out the forum, and come back to share any maxims you contribute.

Here's to nurturing happy, motivated people!

Image of conductor Gustavo Dudamel with Sesame Street friends (love the penguins!) - Google Image Search

Strategy Blueprint for Life

Nope, no epitaph for me!

What started out as a "Gratitude Exercise" from Olivia Fox Cabane's excellent book The Charisma Myth turned out to be an exercise in discovering the strategy blueprint for my life!

Cabane maintains that gratitude can transform your entire body language into positive energy, and therefore enhance charisma. (If nothing else, read her chapter "Creating Charismatic Mental States."  It will make you a warmer, more compassionate person.) She provides exercises to find gratitude, and one of them is to:

Imagine your own funeral

No kidding. The idea is to be flooded with gratitude when you realize you're still alive.  I thought, why not give it a try, just for kicks.  The result?  Not gratitude for being alive - I'm pretty happy about that every day, to be honest - but I got a sure-fire strategy on how I'm going to live my life.

I'll share what I wrote, by hand, at a Starbucks on Battery Street on a miraculously sunny San Francisco summer day.

My Funeral

My funeral is held outdoors, on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  It's midday, sunny, a bit breezy.  No stuffy interiors or heavy-scented flowers (ugh).  It is a Saturday. Nature is all around.  Guests had to walk a bit from their cars, but they were prepared beforehand on what to expect.  People (a fairly contained crowd of those who knew and loved me most) know why they're there - I love the sea, the wind.  No chairs.  This is not a long, stuffy eulogy-type thing.

A few people talk.  Those closest to me.  ~10-15 minutes each.  People take leaves or flower petals and scatter them over the ocean afterwards.  No coffin, no nothing.  Cremation, yo!

During the speeches, people talk about how I was a warm, caring person who made others' lives better or richer in some way.  That I was full of life and curiosity, always excited about something.  That I delighted them with my dancing, music, and interesting topics of conversation.  They'd have no regrets for me, because I'll have tried all the things I wanted!

I won't have a tombstone, because no coffin, remember?  It might be nice to have a plaque somewhere.  Something that says: 

"Life is awesome!  Live the life you want, now!" 

... in my memory.  My name doesn't have to be on it.  In fact, it should be anonymous, so that henceforth people can see it and think, "Yeah!  What am I doing with my life?  Carpe diem!" and do something about it (or at least think about it). 

I don't feel teary-eyed or even intense, thinking about my own funeral.  I trust myself enough to know that if there's something I really want to try in my life, I'm going to go do it.  So by the time I move on, I'll be okay with it.

Sure, it's a bit surreal (and a wee bit tingly) thinking about being gone, but after all, we've got to go sometime.  If our time was infinite, we might not ever feel enough urgency to get out there and DO stuff that's meaningful to us.

Neither is life a ticking timepiece.  All in good time - only I'll know when it's time to take another leap, big or small.  There's never a perfect time.  Just do it when it's appropriate, or at least set the wheels in motion for it to happen.

I've lived a fulfilling life by the time my goodbye happens, so it'll be sentimental but joyous.  I want people to miss me and to remember me, but to be happy.  After the brief speeches and scattering of leaves/petals, there will be food.  And a dance party.  LIFE CONTINUES!

***

It all came tumbling out very smoothly, very surely.  I was delighted as I surprised myself by what turned out to be an exercise in self-affirmation.

Now I'll have even more impetus to make calculated risks to do the things I want in my life.  Because at the end of life, no one ever talks about things they regret they did; they talk about the what-ifs in their life.  I don't want that!

As I finished writing, I was left with a sense of shimmering energy and joy.  I can feel it as I write this, now.

Give it a shot - write about your own funeral!  You never know what you'll learn about yourself.  You just might discover what really matters to you.

Reducing Life's Noise

Beta scratchpad of my very first To-Don't List!

How many To-Do lists do you have?  I confess that I currently have three:

• Work
• Personal
• A dumping repository of things I want to remember to do but are lower priority, such as the title of a book that piqued my interest during a weekend browsing session at the local bookstore (one of the few that still exist)

Despite the satisfaction of checking something off one of my lists, the items continue to grow ... and grow, and grow.  What if we decided to subtract, rather than add, to our lives?

This is a wonderful idea from Tom Peters and Jim Collins, the authors of In Search of Excellence and Good to Great, respectively.  I was introduced to it by reading motivation guru Dan Pink's excellent book Drive, and also found it on productivity expert Peter Bregman's blogpost on the Wall Street Journal. The To-Don't List is #6 on Pink's recent manifesto FLIP: 16 Counter-Intuitive Ideas about Motivation (downloadable from his site):

"The key insight of both Peters and Collins is that we spend too much time on addition and not nearly enough on subtraction. Yet it's only by taking away what doesn't matter that allows us to reveal what does matter."

Here's my list, strategically placed so that it's constantly visible (on my desktop, mobile, cube wall):

• Don't snack after 8pm
  (I tend to go overboard and end up with lovely case of indigestion)

• Don't accept meetings or conference calls I wouldn't have initiated myself
  (sorry Dan, I took that straight from you - it's a really valuable one!)

• Don't snack before practicing the piano in the evening
  (it's only to put off the inevitable)

• Don't go to bed after 11 pm

• Don't say 'yes' to requests merely out of habit

• Don't be a perfectionist when the task at hand doesn't require the extra mile

Simply writing these down has stopped me in my tracks even thinking about doing some of the above.  This evening I thought about snacking on something sweet after dinner, but it was already after 8pm.  Though I was sorely tempted, I remembered my new list.  I made a deal with myself: I'd wait twenty minutes and then if I still really wanted that snack, I'd get it.  That wasn't victory outright, but it was a start! 

That's how powerful writing down a list can be.  As Pink writes:

"... merely by making those productivity and satisfaction destroyers explicit, and facing them day after day, I clarify what is truly important to me - producing good work and spending time with those I care about." 

That sounds like a good deal to me!  

So, what's on your list?

And Just Who *Am* I? The Perils of the Profile

I finally got over my inertia and set up a Twitter account (@SusanRLin)!  I realized I could be getting interesting and useful gems of information from people I respect - people whose books I've read and am reading, whose podcasts I regularly listen to.  (Tess Vigeland, you're awesome!)

I could also be letting folks know about the writing I do here on this blog, as well as on my dance and piano blogs Dancing With Joy and Romance in Black and White.  I'm surprised and humbled by the wonderful comments and emails I receive from perfect strangers who have somehow found my blogs despite my not publicizing them at all.  If my writing can help, inspire, or simply be of interest to someone, I am thrilled.

During the setup of my Twitter account, I gleefully added people to follow - that was easy!  After clicking "Next" I was suddenly faced with a little blank field, titled "Profile."  I stopped in my tracks.  What should I write in that innocuous white space?

I realized I had no idea how to introduce myself.  Who am I, anyway?

Quickly, almost in a panic, I scanned the profiles of the people I had just begun following.  But I am not a professor at a distinguished university, I am not the host of a national radio show.  I have a career, but I knew immediately that I don't want that to be what defines me.  (This is the result of a long and laborious evolution, of which I am personally proud.)

I could simply leave the field blank; I saw that many people do.  However, this was not an acceptable option to me.  I like information - receiving and giving it.

I tried, and failed, to come up with something punchy that conveys my desire to learn everything there is to learn in the world, my excitement about life and its infinite possibilities, my goal of figuring out how to create an environment within and without that leads to motivated, happy people, and my explorations in music and dance that inform my corporate experience and shape my life overall.

That obviously wasn't going to happen in 140 characters.  I need to work on this.  So, here's what I came up with:

People Operations Manager, Dancer, Classical Pianist, and Incurably Excited about Life and Discovery


It's not perfect, but it's a start.  What do you think?

I realize we can be defined and define ourselves in various ways.  It is a personal choice, of course.  Something as small as a short profile description can speak volumes about:

• What we want to say about ourselves
• How we want people to see us 

In some cases, it is aspirational: the profile can be a powerful statement of what we want to be, whether we've gotten there or not.

I'll keep working on articulating who I am right now - I know it'll evolve as I plow, meander, jaunt, drag my feet, dance, labor, study, and sing my way through life - but fundamentally there is a center, a heart, to who we are as individuals.  It is the core that stays constant.  Just what we define it to be may ultimately be a matter of perspective, discovery, and choice.  

Isn't life beautiful in its mysterious ways?  

Nurturing People = Nurturing Motivation: Part 2

That's right, even Superman's got heroes to keep together!

This is a continuation of what I've found makes a team happy and motivated - see Part 1!

Let People Know You're There For Them

Making yourself accessible boosts engagement, and I don't mean just "ping me if you need anything" but as in visiting folks and just saying hello and asking how they're doing.  Stopping by at least once a day (if you don't sit near your team) to share a few words with folks you haven't talked to much before and asking if they need anything doesn't take much and can go a long way in helping people feel that you care.  I knew that I cared for my team but more important, I wanted them to know that I did, so that they felt comfortable enough to come to me with any concerns or feedback that could improve our processes and organization in any way.

Everyone is Great - In Their Own Way (but maybe not for your team!)

You may find that some people on your team aren't doing well.  On my team, many folks assumed that these people had some flaw, some fault in character, or simply possessed a lax work ethic.  I generally haven't found this to be true when someone isn't performing.

I sat down and talked with the so-called "problem people" individually.  They were all incredibly smart in their own way.  It came down to job fit.  People work because they want to: When they feel connected with their task and with their colleagues, they feel engaged.  No amount of carrots and sticks will make people really bring themselves fully to their jobs if it's a case of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

Nonetheless, the wrong fit can cause problems and grief to the greater team, so I made sure to address these cases in a timely manner for resolution.  But, it's usually not the case that there's just something "wrong" with the person.  When I spoke with underperformers, I opened without accusations or assumptions - just observations.  Then I invited the person to present his or her point of view first.  I acknowledged their viewpoint and gave them a realistic view of what they'd need to do to succeed on the team.  It was their choice - they could do what was needed, or they could always choose another path.

Each time, I found that not only did the individual feel vindicated, they were gratified that they weren't seen as a cog in the machine; consequently their attitude improved even though a few ultimately decided to leave.  I was happy to see them move onto great roles suited to them.

Moreover, other team members saw that it's possible to figure out a solution that doesn't dehumanize anybody involved.  As a result, team members felt safer to be themselves within their roles.

Present Reality, Inspire Hope

I never imagined I'd quote Napoleon, but he purportedly said something akin to "Present reality, but inspire hope" with regards to firing up his troops. I really do believe in this.  You can't hide the truth, however ugly, from anybody for very long.  People are smart; they figure things out!  I always try to convey to my teams the reality of the circumstance, but follow it up with what I am (or what management is) doing to mitigate and/or what we can do as a team to make lemonade out of lemons.

If people know that influencing factors are internal and therefore controllable, they are more at ease.  I know that's true for me!  Most important, let everyone know that you're in it together, and that there's nothing that you can't overcome as a team. Solidarity is a great feeling, and it binds people; they know they're not cast into the waves of uncertainty alone.

These are the main themes of what I believe makes a difference in nurturing a team of productive, motivated individuals.  A team may be a collective of people, but it comprises individual human beings who have their own perspectives and histories to bring to bear.  If you see your team as people no matter what kind of organization you're in - even if their core job is flipping widgets - you're already well on your way to having the kind of approach that cultivates a strong ship.

Nurturing People = Nurturing Motivation: Part 1

Yes, you *can* motivate people!

Have you ever slogged away at some task, whether for work or school, and thought, "Why am I doing this?"  I certainly have - whether it's because I didn't know why it was applicable to my life (during school - I won't mention which subject!) or why I was being asked to do what I was doing because I didn't have the appropriate context.

There has been no shortage of discussion on how to motivate people, especially at the workplace.  During the past two years I've had the pleasure (in all senses of the word) of managing teams.  I've learned a great deal from working with these wonderful people.  Overall, I cannot emphasize enough that every manager should see their team for what it is - a group of distinct individuals who are wholly human, just like you.

It doesn't matter whether you have one person reporting to you, or 50 (as has been the case for me).  The moment you begin to see a team merely as metrics of output, you've dehumanized everyone.  That can lead to behaviors or actions/inactions that lead to disengagement.  People pick up on these subtleties in communication, or lack thereof.

I'd like to share with you some of my most valuable learnings.  They may seem like simple common sense, but often the obvious bears revisiting.

Know What Your Team Does

It's critical to know what your folks do so that you can connect with them and understand what they're going through.  Otherwise if they come to you with a problem, you may not know its nature and how to best handle it.  If possible, the best way to do this is to do the job yourself.

My teams' core directive is work that is crucial to the business and yet rather repetitive in nature. Team members can't simply "check out" mentally either, because the task itself requires a great deal of detailed analysis, research, and concentration.

To understand their job, I went through the same training as new hires, and placed myself at the mercy of quality control as I completed tasks.  Having done this hundreds of times, I can understand what my team does on a daily basis and troubleshoot when needed.

Let People Know You Understand

In having done the same job as my team, I can also understand how easily one can become demotivated: Why am I doing this? It's repetitive, my work won't readily lead to significant innovations or recognition, why should I work hard?

In other realms, I know that I am willing to work on such "drudgery" as tendus at the barre for dance and scales on the piano because I understand the context, and I know what's in it for me: If I don't regularly practice these rote tasks to the utmost of my ability, I won't be able to dance well, or play music well. Everything, even the smallest thing, has its place in the overall goal of being an artist and performer.

As a manager, it's important to provide this context to people. I've found that it can make a real difference in motivation if you:

1) Acknowledge that your folks' work may be repetitive and boring in nature/difficult/whatever challenge they face … 

… but …

2) Convey what ultimate impact their work brings to the business so they can make the connection

3) Encourage them to look for ways to bring their own creativity and problem solving skills into the mix within the parameters you work in - and to share any best practices they develop.

That way people know you understand what they're going through - the good, the bad, and the ugly - but they know they can bring themselves to their roles in a way that makes sense for the business.

We All Want to Learn and to Grow

Give people the opportunity to learn, and give them the chance to stretch the limits of their ability in ways that are manageable.  In other words, promote good stress - present surmountable challenges.  It creates a tough but scalable mountain for people to climb.

If you present Mount Everest and tell people to get to the top, which is so high that no one can see it from the ground, few are going to be motivated enough to even get up to base camp because there is no end in sight.

For example, I've looked for opportunities for my team members to work on special projects.  Sometimes projects have come to us, but often I've reached out to the engineering teams to see what we can help them with.  I give those folks who are poised for more stimulation to keep them growing and motivated the chance to work on these projects.  And depending on how they do, they may get more in the future, or become mentors to others.  They grow, and the projects break up the monotony of their core jobs.

A Few Kind Words

In general, I believe that people want to serve, people want to be of value, and they want to matter.  I certainly do!  As my mother said to me and my sister when we were kids, "Be a Useful Bunny!",  referring to a coloring book of Bugs Bunny being such a slacker that he nearly lost his girlfriend before he finally shaped up.  (He even let all her ice cream melt because he didn't turn on the freezer like he was supposed to - he took a nap instead!)

This innate desire to be of value is why acknowledgement of achievements and efforts is so important.  Especially in a job function where the activity is rote and people can feel reduced to a set of quality and productivity metrics, it's a manager's job to bring back the humanity of the job to make sure people remain engaged.

Otherwise, people begin to lose the sense of personal connectedness to their role and to the greater good, and why they matter to the team, the organization, and the company.  If they feel like they don't matter, why should they even try to do well?  Disengagement is not where anyone wants to be, and it causes the organization and business to suffer.

Little things don't take much effort, and they can go a long way.  When I saw that people on my team were making improvements in their productivity and quality, even if they hadn't yet met targets, I sent them emails congratulating them on their progress and encouraged them to keep it up.  I asked them to let me know if there was anything I could do to support them in their journey.  This not only showed that I actually noticed their individual progress; it showed that I noticed them at all.

This had a profound effect.  People responded enthusiastically, and the morale improvement was palpable on the floor - there was energy and a heightened sense of connectedness.  And, it only took me a few minutes to talk to my leads to see who they were concerned about, check the metrics, and send an email.  Such a simple thing took almost no effort on my part, but I wanted them to know that each of the recipients was a valued team member - I took it upon myself to care, as I believe every manager should.

There's more to come - I didn't want to create an unduly long post, so please stay tuned for Part 2!

Giving Back - Corporate Wellness

Dance: One of my non-corporate passions!

I find my corporate life challenging, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has other passions that aren't currently being applied to my core job.  

To give myself the chance to explore and grow in these areas, I try to find outlets to do what I love by giving back to the workplace community in the hopes that this will help my colleagues improve their own lives and perhaps contribute to others within and without the corporate realm.  

To do this, I volunteer my time as a faculty member of Google's internal education team, teaching courses on leadership, project management, and time and energy management. I am also a contributing writer for the company's internal health and wellness program, Optimize Your Life. Recently, I was named "Wellness Champion"!  

Below is the piece that ran in the monthly newsletter. Although it mentions a specific company, what I discuss below is applicable to anybody, anywhere. I hope that by taking a moment to read this, you'll 1) be reminded of what's most important in your life, and 2) think about how you can give these elements the attention they deserve.


This month’s wellness champion is Susan Lin! 

Susan has penned many articles  related to stress management for Optimize Your Life What motivates you to write articles for OYL?
As Googlers, we tend to be passionate about our jobs and everything we do in our lives; the commitment we bring to each is a wonderful thing.  However, the demands of our jobs, family, and other responsibilities can place a lot of pressure on us and we're constantly faced with decisions and tradeoffs.  

I've thought a lot about how to enable ourselves to do all the things we want to do while staying sane and even feeling empowered, while negotiating everything that demands our time and energy.  I'm always excited about sharing any insights and tips that have worked for me and for others, and OYL is the perfect platform through which to reach and hopefully help fellow Googlers!   

How did you become interested in emotional health?
Life can throw so many curveballs and it all comes down to how you deal with those ups and downs.  I've always tried to turn to myself to see how I can be stronger during times of challenge or hardship, and in the process learned that 1) a great deal is actually within your control, and 2) it's okay to ask for help!  

In other words, our peace and happiness levels are in large part determined by our own perspectives; it can be difficult (or impossible) to change other people or our surroundings in any given moment, but we can work with ourselves.  And sometimes, we need the support of others to help us figure things out.  This combination of strength and vulnerability is key, and I've been exploring how this can work in various situations to help us lead more balanced and happy lives.  

What is your vision for health (specifically emotional health) at Google?
I see Googlers who are passionate about their jobs and who allocate enough time and energy towards the things that are important to them: self, health, and family.  Work is important, but not at the total expense of these other elements.  

This means time at Google, whether at work or sweating it out at a G-Fit class, and time away from Google with friends and family, or doing whatever makes you happy.  That's what helps make an engaged and productive Googler.  It's that constant desire to achieve the right balance in life so that we feel refreshed and ready to tackle those stretch OKRs (goals) when it's time to work.  

If anything in my articles can help people make even a tiny bit of progress towards this balance, that will be the greatest reward I can hope for.

When Conversations Get Stressful - A Tough Look at Ourselves

Stressed Kitty is ... stressed! (Google Image Search)

We face a number of tough but important conversations in our everyday lives, not least of which involve the workplace and also our family members.  What’s different about these conversations is that if they aren’t handled well, the results could mean prolonged misconceptions, rifts in your relationships, and missed opportunities at breaking new ground in mutual understanding and collaboration.  These are what the three authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High discuss in this fascinating and useful book.  

I haven’t finished the book yet (I am giving myself time to absorb and re-read certain sections) but I want to focus on one of the earlier chapters “Learn to Look”, as it discusses the different styles we tend to exhibit when a crucial conversation is entered and we feel we can’t reasonably share our views without a sense of safety.  Most important, this serves as a guide for us to figure out what style we use when we’re under stress.  It’s one thing to be thinking rationally when we’re fully in control of ourselves, but it can be quite different when emotions run high!  

I thought I’d plunge right in, make myself vulnerable, and take a tough look at what I do when I feel trapped and frustrated in an important conversation.  By doing this, I hoped I could break my behavior down into elements and figure out how to overcome whatever cycle I tend to fall into.

There are two major types of behavior outlined by the authors:

• Silence - we clam up and withhold information in an attempt to avoid potential problems.  Three common types of Silence behaviors:
• Masking - trying to share our point of view but undercutting ourselves through sugarcoating or couching
• Avoiding - not bringing up the real problems that need to be discussed
• Withdrawing - walking away altogether

• Violence - we try to force our perspective and information onto others in an attempt to compel people to take your view.  The three common forms:
• Controlling - forcing the conversation to our point of view through various verbal tactics
• Labeling - stereotyping people or ideas for easy dismissal
• Attacking - starting to threaten others if they won’t come around to our ideas

I won’t go into details on the Violence portion, since I fall squarely into the Silence behavior when experiencing stress.  (For more, check out the book!)

The Analysis
When reading about the different elements, I thought about myself at work.  I tend not to exhibit Silence behaviors in my personal life, probably since I tend to feel more in control of myself and the environment, and I also know the people I interact with on a much deeper level.  Although the topics discussed can be very difficult, I feel quite comfortable here.  I usually do fine when I am coaching direct reports or colleagues at the workplace on sticky issues, although I did learn something I can be doing better - more on that shortly.

When I am in conversations with my superiors or high level stakeholders crucial to one of my projects, it’s not the same picture!  It’s painful to admit, but I can recall situations where I’ve exhibited all three types of Silence behaviors:

• I’ve postponed or even canceled meetings with people I’ve had problems getting on the same page with to avoid contact until I felt I'd developed a stronger argument/done more research (Withdrawing).
• I’ve put off returning phone calls and emails because I didn’t want to deal with the person who sent them (Withdrawing).
• When the situation was really stressful and I knew that people’s feelings or the relationship could be at stake, I’ve erred on the side of holding back instead of sharing my honest opinion (Avoiding).
• When I had to bring up a tough subject or ask for something, I’ve tried to soften it by prefacing or following it with a qualifier (Masking).   

Withdrawing
For the first two Withdrawing behaviors, not only does this make me feel awful (I know I’m doing it!), it’s likely for more misunderstandings to occur.  Worse, it can jeopardize the progress of my project and be a missed opportunity for a better working relationship with someone.  I’ve come to realize that it sometimes makes no sense to keep thinking about the situation in a vacuum.  10 minutes of talking to someone face to face or over video conferencing can solve many problems on the spot!  

Although it’s hard for me to get proactive about this when I’ve had a less than positive experience with the other person or people, I now understand that it’s almost always better to keep in close touch with those I need to work with and to talk often.  After all, the end goal is the success of the project, and without these folks I’m not going to get there.  And why not get there with everyone at least knowing where I’m coming from and up to date on the latest on my end?  I try to motivate myself this way, even when I dread the meeting or email response.  

I also tell myself, “This is an opportunity for me to make a better relationship.  This is an opportunity for collaboration and mutual progress.”  I’m a relationship-oriented person, so I try to find ways that naturally appeal to me to get me going.

Avoiding
For the third bullet point, I now realize that this strategy doesn’t help the relationship in the long run and I have come to understand that it’s entirely possible to share my candid perspective in a way that won’t be misconstrued as my passing judgment on the person overall. Conversation partners have thanked me for being honest, since they can’t read my mind (nor I theirs) and now have more context from which to work together with me.  And since I’ve shared, they now feel more comfortable giving me their full opinion as well.  

Safe environment = more information = better mutual understanding.  Voila!   

Masking
Finally, the Masking behavior.  There are two situations.  

• Situation A is similar to the Avoiding behavior; I want to protect the other person’s feelings and try to gently introduce something they may not like to hear.  

• Situation B is where I really want something that the other person can give, but am afraid of the answer or am afraid that I’m asking for too much.  

I now see that I’m undermining my own credibility and the message I’m trying to get across by sugarcoating or couching it.  “I know this is crazy, but …” or “Maybe I’m not the most qualified person to ask for this, but …” and so on.  These don’t help.  I need to be more direct, and stay open.  My strategy now is as follows:

For Situation A

1. State the previously made, mutually agreed expectation
2. State what I observed (facts)
3. Ask the other person what’s up - this gives him/her the chance to give his/her side of the situation without feeling like they’re being directly accused
4. State the impact of the person’s behavior  

For Situation B

1. Give brief context to set up my case
2. Directly ask for what I want
3. Do my darndest to resist saying anything to qualify or weaken my previous statement in the ensuing silence before the response!

My Main Takeaways

• When I don’t want to meet or talk to someone, I should ask myself why.  What is it I don’t want to deal with - what’s the main issue(s)?  After I articulate these, meet with or reach out to that person sooner rather than later to work these issues out, or at least put them on the table to see if it’s a problem for them as well, and if not, why.

• It’s better in the long run to give someone my honest opinion rather than to hide it; it can be done in a way that promotes a safe environment for the other person to share honestly as well.

• Tell or ask for things straight-up in a way that promotes an objective, safe environment for others to respond in kind.

Taking a closer look at my less than helpful behaviors when under stress helps me break them down and understand my motivations.  This in turn allows me to find a more objective way to identify and approach each situation.  Just seeing the outlines above gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction; I have a concrete and actionable plan!  

The point is, if we pay attention to the behaviors we exhibit and acknowledge them, we can be more conscious of ourselves and try to avoid our unhealthy behaviors - they won’t help us or anyone.  Knowing is the first step!  I’m still actively reminding myself that I need to apply these strategies each time I identify the situation I'm in and the behavior I'm being pulled toward.  It’ll take some time to learn and for this to become habit, but I’m satisfied that I am at least on my way.  Onward!

Know Your Body and Know Yourself

Have you tapped into your own personal Google?  

That’s a question that you may hear from Steve Sisgold, one of the warmest and most engaging people you’ll ever meet.  Here’s a person who genuinely cares about you, and wants you to know how all the answers you need to make your life better than it’s ever been are already within you - your own personal Google!

I can’t take credit for that unique turn of phrase.  I met Steve when he came to give a talk at Google last quarter (check it out on YouTube!).  

The main premise of Steve’s wisdom is that if we take notice of and listen to what our bodies are trying to tell us, we can then begin to understand where our anxieties are coming from and thus overcome them to find our truer, happier selves.  He is the author of the book “What’s Your Body Telling You?”, through which you can gain deeper insight on this unique way of assessing our personal wellness.

I find this a thrillingly simple way of “working with what you have”.  We were born with generations of “fight or flight” instincts - our brain and bodies are still wired to help us run away from a charging saber-toothed tiger in our prehistoric days, or to freeze when we see a snake in our path.  But what happens when these instincts kick in when we’re not immediately threatened by literal situations of life or death?  

The result is that we’ve  learned how to suppress these instincts to a certain extent.  But in doing so, are we neglecting the most important signal to understanding ourselves at that moment, to remain forever blind to the keys that could very well unlock our own potential in these crucial moments?

Let’s put it more personally: Have you ever felt a surge within you when you feel strongly about something, only to dismiss it?  Do you ever tell yourself, “That’s ridiculous - there’s no way this is possible,” even before you’ve fully articulated your deepest desires?  This is one way dreams are nipped in the bud.  

The key is to be open to possibility, and to make yourself vulnerable.  All it takes to begin this journey to self-knowledge is simply to notice what your body’s doing at any given moment.  Steve calls this your Body Quotient, or BQ.  

How does this work?  Take a moment and just breathe.  Focus on the quality of your breathing.  What do you notice?  Steve invited us to try this little exercise, and we all discovered something new.  I inhaled deeply quite easily, but found I could not exhale fully.  It struck me that in general I listen to others well and can absorb a lot of stress, but it can be difficult for me to relax and shake loose.  My breathing could very well reflect this. It was a wonderful moment of insight, shared by my fellow participants in their own way.

Our bodies our also like a database of all the experiences we’ve ever had.  If you don’t know why your mind is willing but the rest of you is not, ask your body: What are beliefs that I carry in my body that prevent me from doing what I want?  This is what Steve meant by tapping into your own personal Google.  

What do we mean by ‘beliefs we carry in our bodies’?  Steve told a story about a man who cringed whenever colleagues patted him on the back; they thought he was just weird, but it turned out that when this man was growing up his older brother would slap him on the back quite unpleasantly.  The man was mentally receptive to his colleagues’ good will, but his body remembered the negative experience associated with the gesture and instinctively he would shrink away. Once he realized what was causing his behavior, he was able to communicate it. To his relief, nobody thought this was strange at all, and his colleagues began to express their approval in a non-physical way.  This is the mind-body connection at work.

Focusing on your body is a startlingly simple way to understand yourself and to navigate life’s challenges starting with you: it’s about listening to your body, and what it’s telling you - right now!

So listen, and articulate what you’re feeling.  You may very well learn why you experience certain anxieties that prevent you from doing what you want, and thus unlock the keys to overcoming them.

Want to learn more about the mind-body connection?  Check out Steve SIsgold’s site and his book!  If you have read Steve's book, watched his videos, or have attended one of his events, please share anything you’ve noticed or learned as a result of applying Steve’s teachings - I look forward to hearing from you!

Embrace Your Fear

If you’re like me, you’re no stranger to the feeling of being scared of something, whether it was of the dark when you were a kid, of whether eating a durian really tastes like it smells, or of taking on a new challenge at work.  The fear can grow the more we shrink away from whatever we’re afraid of, until even the thought of it can be mentally and physically debilitating.  Fortunately, we can overcome this, or at least make whatever we dread less daunting!  In a nutshell, embrace your fear: knowledge leads to familiarity, which tends to lead to less fear since the greater part of the unknown is taken out of the equation.

Here are two main steps that I've found work well to chip away that fear and help you become more informed and confident.  

Acknowledge Your Fear
It’s okay to be afraid of something.  Don’t worry if you think you’re the only one afraid - other people probably share the same or similar fears, but just haven’t let on!  This is the first step to understanding what it is you’re afraid of and to enable you to take action.  

As an example, when I had the opportunity to really make a difference in my organization, I was gripped by the thought: “What if I don’t deliver to expectations? I finally have this chance!  What if I screw up?  What if something happens and we don’t launch?”  The list grew longer, and I had bouts of what felt like paralysis: my fear was preventing me from doing what I needed to do to get onto the road to success.  

The last thing I needed was a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by fear!  At a certain point, I knew this wasn’t going to work; it was exhausting me.  I took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind of the clutter (listening to calming music beforehand was helpful).  I told myself, “I’m petrified that I’ll fail in this project.  That’s okay.  Uncertainty is naturally scary.  So why beat yourself up about it?  You won’t know how things will turn out until you really try.”

It sounds silly, but telling yourself that you know your fear is there and that it’s okay can have a powerful effect.  After I came to this conclusion, the fear no longer consumed me, but sort of rode alongside me like a sidecar to a motorcycle - it was there, but smaller, and at each milestone I was reminded me of how far I had come.  

Get to Know What You’ve Been Fearing
Baby steps are absolutely fine, and may even be the best option so as not to overwhelm yourself.  This step is what demystifies whatever has been looming ominously in your life, and will thereafter be cut down to its real size.  If what you fear is a skill that you’ve always avoided for whatever reason but want to have, for example, start by doing some preliminary research online, and maybe even work your way up to taking a course.

I’d always avoided anything having to do with finances like the plague - those cold numbers would stare back at me and my mind would go blank.  I wanted nothing to do with them.  And yet, I wanted to gain enough knowledge to at least be able to manage my personal finances intelligently, as well as to understand budget forecasts and participate in relevant discussions on the job.  I felt a sense of helpless urgency.

So, I started with a small step.  I searched online for the basics on personal finance to get to know a few terms and some best practices.  I took notes.  However, I soon found myself getting overwhelmed by all that financial jargon, and forced myself to stop before I burned out and put up a thicker wall between me and the object of my fear.  

I began to find ways to research that worked for me; I pinpointed a few sites that presented material in a way I could understand fairly well and allocated a short period of time each week to learn something new or review a concept I’d encountered the last time.  I started with just one session a week, for 15 minutes.  If I decided to research longer, that was fine, as long as I stopped before I got frustrated.  

You can do the same: experiment, and find out what works for you.  Then, set a little regimen for yourself.  The key is to set your goals achieveably low - this is not the time to set those aggressive stretch goals!  You want to make progress, not to hit the wall.

Eventually, I worked up my courage to enroll in a class on navigating finances in a corporate setting.  This presented a whole new level of trepidation for me - personal finance was one thing, but corporate finance?  I was afraid the material would go over my head, but I’d committed to giving it a try.  

The result was amazing - with a great instructor and useful activities, I was soon wielding equations and crunching numbers to analyze case studies.  With my initial fears, I never would have thought this possible.  

What changed?  The numbers and concepts I’d been so scared of were brought to my level of eyesight for close examination, demystified, and voila, I could work with them.  Now, let me say that I’m nowhere close to being a finance whiz, but the key is that I’m not longer half as afraid of the concept and of the numbers as I was before.  

Take action!
The above steps are simple in nature, and yet not necessarily easy.  But, I've found them very effective for all kinds of apprehensiveness: learning a new dance form that puts me way out of my comfort zone (hip hop!), the thought of the disastrous results if I attempted play a piano piece I used to know well but could hardly muster after years of not practicing (so much easier to just not try!), to name two.  

Just make sure you’re not sitting on your hands, avoiding your fear and letting it grow - take action!  Acknowledge that your fear is there, then start taking the mystery out of it.  It can be as small as searching online for information, or to break down the activity into bite-sized portions so it's not as daunting.  

Fear is a natural, inevitable part of our lives.  It’s in our hands - we can keep pushing away what we fear and let it grow into a monster, or we can take control of our lives to gain valuable knowledge and emerge with that much more confidence in ourselves.

Are there any strategies, tactics, mantras, etc. that have worked for you deal with fear?  I'd love to hear from you!

Insights Discovery, Indeed! Personality and Development

Some months ago I took a program management class, at the end of the session, almost as a little coda or afterthought, we received our very own Insights Discovery Personal Profile.  We'd been asked to complete a set of questions beforehand, which looked like another one of those personality tests.  The result turned out to be one of the main learnings I took away from the class.

In the past I'd benefited from taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test to learn more about myself and how I interact with others, but I didn't expect much from this one.  Boy, was I surprised when I received my 21-page packet!  The Insights Discovery version tackles personality from an angle that is directly relevant to both personal and professional situations, and provides, well, insights, and guidance that are affirming, enlightening, and uncannily spot-on.

There were several themes that I'd always known about myself, but hadn't taken to this level of analysis.  The report's suggestions for ways I can develop further included the following:

• Developing short cut methods to meet deadlines
• This definitely speaks to my desire for perfection, regardless of the task.  Sometimes I even ask myself, "Why am I trying to do such a thorough job here when it's not necessary?" and I usually answer, "If you're going to do it, do it well!"  Unfortunately, I'm rather demanding of myself.  Although, let it be known that when there's a deadline, I'm definitely making it.
• Being less sensitive to the needs of others
• This is when I think, yes, yes, I know, but, as E.M. Forster wrote in his novel Maurice, "Can a leopard change its spots?"  Perhaps not, but I realize that it's possible to keep one's true nature and yet enact subtle changes based on one's own situational perspective.  On the flip side, this trait is one of my biggest assets that people consistently tell me about.  
• Taking the occasional risk by deciding only on the information available. It may be better to make a poor decision than no decision at all
• Really?  I'm not quite sure on this one yet.  I'm naturally given to action - I tend to feel a sense of urgency when something important to me is at stake.  And yet, a poor decision in lieu of no decision?  Isn't making no decision a decision in and of itself?   I think that's an important distinction.  Hmm.
• Articulating her ideas, rather than keeping them to herself
• Because it's in my nature to strive for harmony, I tend to want to hear what everyone says first, then do research, and then feel okay about saying what I have to say, because 1) I'll have the context of how people involved feel about the matter, and 2) I'll be able to back it up.  I've also noticed that sometimes if I don't say anything, it's taken as either tacit agreement or disagreement - this is not intended.  I just want to take it all in, and think about it. 

There were a few more, but I'd like to focus on the above, as they figure prominently in my mind.  I'd struggled with these personality aspects before, trying to analyze the reactions and feedback of others and finding out how they interpreted my actions or inactions.  Recently, I've felt my interactions in particular situations becoming a bit easier, and you know what?  The reason seems a bit like a dirty secret: I simply began to care less.  

Please don't take this to mean that I no longer care about what I do and those around me; since I start out by being super careful and sensitive to everyone around me, my caring less still means I'm highly primed to be aware.  The difference is that I no longer let it completely prevent me from expressing myself or taking action when I need to.  The second-guessing is no longer debilitating.   

I'm still working on it (everything in life is a work in progress - onward and upward!), but it's reassuring to know that the leopard can keep her spots and still hold her place in the jungle.