When Conversations Get Stressful - A Tough Look at Ourselves

Stressed Kitty is ... stressed! (Google Image Search)

We face a number of tough but important conversations in our everyday lives, not least of which involve the workplace and also our family members.  What’s different about these conversations is that if they aren’t handled well, the results could mean prolonged misconceptions, rifts in your relationships, and missed opportunities at breaking new ground in mutual understanding and collaboration.  These are what the three authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High discuss in this fascinating and useful book.  

I haven’t finished the book yet (I am giving myself time to absorb and re-read certain sections) but I want to focus on one of the earlier chapters “Learn to Look”, as it discusses the different styles we tend to exhibit when a crucial conversation is entered and we feel we can’t reasonably share our views without a sense of safety.  Most important, this serves as a guide for us to figure out what style we use when we’re under stress.  It’s one thing to be thinking rationally when we’re fully in control of ourselves, but it can be quite different when emotions run high!  

I thought I’d plunge right in, make myself vulnerable, and take a tough look at what I do when I feel trapped and frustrated in an important conversation.  By doing this, I hoped I could break my behavior down into elements and figure out how to overcome whatever cycle I tend to fall into.

There are two major types of behavior outlined by the authors:

• Silence - we clam up and withhold information in an attempt to avoid potential problems.  Three common types of Silence behaviors:
• Masking - trying to share our point of view but undercutting ourselves through sugarcoating or couching
• Avoiding - not bringing up the real problems that need to be discussed
• Withdrawing - walking away altogether

• Violence - we try to force our perspective and information onto others in an attempt to compel people to take your view.  The three common forms:
• Controlling - forcing the conversation to our point of view through various verbal tactics
• Labeling - stereotyping people or ideas for easy dismissal
• Attacking - starting to threaten others if they won’t come around to our ideas

I won’t go into details on the Violence portion, since I fall squarely into the Silence behavior when experiencing stress.  (For more, check out the book!)

The Analysis
When reading about the different elements, I thought about myself at work.  I tend not to exhibit Silence behaviors in my personal life, probably since I tend to feel more in control of myself and the environment, and I also know the people I interact with on a much deeper level.  Although the topics discussed can be very difficult, I feel quite comfortable here.  I usually do fine when I am coaching direct reports or colleagues at the workplace on sticky issues, although I did learn something I can be doing better - more on that shortly.

When I am in conversations with my superiors or high level stakeholders crucial to one of my projects, it’s not the same picture!  It’s painful to admit, but I can recall situations where I’ve exhibited all three types of Silence behaviors:

• I’ve postponed or even canceled meetings with people I’ve had problems getting on the same page with to avoid contact until I felt I'd developed a stronger argument/done more research (Withdrawing).
• I’ve put off returning phone calls and emails because I didn’t want to deal with the person who sent them (Withdrawing).
• When the situation was really stressful and I knew that people’s feelings or the relationship could be at stake, I’ve erred on the side of holding back instead of sharing my honest opinion (Avoiding).
• When I had to bring up a tough subject or ask for something, I’ve tried to soften it by prefacing or following it with a qualifier (Masking).   

Withdrawing
For the first two Withdrawing behaviors, not only does this make me feel awful (I know I’m doing it!), it’s likely for more misunderstandings to occur.  Worse, it can jeopardize the progress of my project and be a missed opportunity for a better working relationship with someone.  I’ve come to realize that it sometimes makes no sense to keep thinking about the situation in a vacuum.  10 minutes of talking to someone face to face or over video conferencing can solve many problems on the spot!  

Although it’s hard for me to get proactive about this when I’ve had a less than positive experience with the other person or people, I now understand that it’s almost always better to keep in close touch with those I need to work with and to talk often.  After all, the end goal is the success of the project, and without these folks I’m not going to get there.  And why not get there with everyone at least knowing where I’m coming from and up to date on the latest on my end?  I try to motivate myself this way, even when I dread the meeting or email response.  

I also tell myself, “This is an opportunity for me to make a better relationship.  This is an opportunity for collaboration and mutual progress.”  I’m a relationship-oriented person, so I try to find ways that naturally appeal to me to get me going.

Avoiding
For the third bullet point, I now realize that this strategy doesn’t help the relationship in the long run and I have come to understand that it’s entirely possible to share my candid perspective in a way that won’t be misconstrued as my passing judgment on the person overall. Conversation partners have thanked me for being honest, since they can’t read my mind (nor I theirs) and now have more context from which to work together with me.  And since I’ve shared, they now feel more comfortable giving me their full opinion as well.  

Safe environment = more information = better mutual understanding.  Voila!   

Masking
Finally, the Masking behavior.  There are two situations.  

• Situation A is similar to the Avoiding behavior; I want to protect the other person’s feelings and try to gently introduce something they may not like to hear.  

• Situation B is where I really want something that the other person can give, but am afraid of the answer or am afraid that I’m asking for too much.  

I now see that I’m undermining my own credibility and the message I’m trying to get across by sugarcoating or couching it.  “I know this is crazy, but …” or “Maybe I’m not the most qualified person to ask for this, but …” and so on.  These don’t help.  I need to be more direct, and stay open.  My strategy now is as follows:

For Situation A

1. State the previously made, mutually agreed expectation
2. State what I observed (facts)
3. Ask the other person what’s up - this gives him/her the chance to give his/her side of the situation without feeling like they’re being directly accused
4. State the impact of the person’s behavior  

For Situation B

1. Give brief context to set up my case
2. Directly ask for what I want
3. Do my darndest to resist saying anything to qualify or weaken my previous statement in the ensuing silence before the response!

My Main Takeaways

• When I don’t want to meet or talk to someone, I should ask myself why.  What is it I don’t want to deal with - what’s the main issue(s)?  After I articulate these, meet with or reach out to that person sooner rather than later to work these issues out, or at least put them on the table to see if it’s a problem for them as well, and if not, why.

• It’s better in the long run to give someone my honest opinion rather than to hide it; it can be done in a way that promotes a safe environment for the other person to share honestly as well.

• Tell or ask for things straight-up in a way that promotes an objective, safe environment for others to respond in kind.

Taking a closer look at my less than helpful behaviors when under stress helps me break them down and understand my motivations.  This in turn allows me to find a more objective way to identify and approach each situation.  Just seeing the outlines above gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction; I have a concrete and actionable plan!  

The point is, if we pay attention to the behaviors we exhibit and acknowledge them, we can be more conscious of ourselves and try to avoid our unhealthy behaviors - they won’t help us or anyone.  Knowing is the first step!  I’m still actively reminding myself that I need to apply these strategies each time I identify the situation I'm in and the behavior I'm being pulled toward.  It’ll take some time to learn and for this to become habit, but I’m satisfied that I am at least on my way.  Onward!