Strategy Blueprint for Life

Nope, no epitaph for me!

What started out as a "Gratitude Exercise" from Olivia Fox Cabane's excellent book The Charisma Myth turned out to be an exercise in discovering the strategy blueprint for my life!

Cabane maintains that gratitude can transform your entire body language into positive energy, and therefore enhance charisma. (If nothing else, read her chapter "Creating Charismatic Mental States."  It will make you a warmer, more compassionate person.) She provides exercises to find gratitude, and one of them is to:

Imagine your own funeral

No kidding. The idea is to be flooded with gratitude when you realize you're still alive.  I thought, why not give it a try, just for kicks.  The result?  Not gratitude for being alive - I'm pretty happy about that every day, to be honest - but I got a sure-fire strategy on how I'm going to live my life.

I'll share what I wrote, by hand, at a Starbucks on Battery Street on a miraculously sunny San Francisco summer day.

My Funeral

My funeral is held outdoors, on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  It's midday, sunny, a bit breezy.  No stuffy interiors or heavy-scented flowers (ugh).  It is a Saturday. Nature is all around.  Guests had to walk a bit from their cars, but they were prepared beforehand on what to expect.  People (a fairly contained crowd of those who knew and loved me most) know why they're there - I love the sea, the wind.  No chairs.  This is not a long, stuffy eulogy-type thing.

A few people talk.  Those closest to me.  ~10-15 minutes each.  People take leaves or flower petals and scatter them over the ocean afterwards.  No coffin, no nothing.  Cremation, yo!

During the speeches, people talk about how I was a warm, caring person who made others' lives better or richer in some way.  That I was full of life and curiosity, always excited about something.  That I delighted them with my dancing, music, and interesting topics of conversation.  They'd have no regrets for me, because I'll have tried all the things I wanted!

I won't have a tombstone, because no coffin, remember?  It might be nice to have a plaque somewhere.  Something that says: 

"Life is awesome!  Live the life you want, now!" 

... in my memory.  My name doesn't have to be on it.  In fact, it should be anonymous, so that henceforth people can see it and think, "Yeah!  What am I doing with my life?  Carpe diem!" and do something about it (or at least think about it). 

I don't feel teary-eyed or even intense, thinking about my own funeral.  I trust myself enough to know that if there's something I really want to try in my life, I'm going to go do it.  So by the time I move on, I'll be okay with it.

Sure, it's a bit surreal (and a wee bit tingly) thinking about being gone, but after all, we've got to go sometime.  If our time was infinite, we might not ever feel enough urgency to get out there and DO stuff that's meaningful to us.

Neither is life a ticking timepiece.  All in good time - only I'll know when it's time to take another leap, big or small.  There's never a perfect time.  Just do it when it's appropriate, or at least set the wheels in motion for it to happen.

I've lived a fulfilling life by the time my goodbye happens, so it'll be sentimental but joyous.  I want people to miss me and to remember me, but to be happy.  After the brief speeches and scattering of leaves/petals, there will be food.  And a dance party.  LIFE CONTINUES!

***

It all came tumbling out very smoothly, very surely.  I was delighted as I surprised myself by what turned out to be an exercise in self-affirmation.

Now I'll have even more impetus to make calculated risks to do the things I want in my life.  Because at the end of life, no one ever talks about things they regret they did; they talk about the what-ifs in their life.  I don't want that!

As I finished writing, I was left with a sense of shimmering energy and joy.  I can feel it as I write this, now.

Give it a shot - write about your own funeral!  You never know what you'll learn about yourself.  You just might discover what really matters to you.

Nurturing People = Nurturing Motivation: Part 2

That's right, even Superman's got heroes to keep together!

This is a continuation of what I've found makes a team happy and motivated - see Part 1!

Let People Know You're There For Them

Making yourself accessible boosts engagement, and I don't mean just "ping me if you need anything" but as in visiting folks and just saying hello and asking how they're doing.  Stopping by at least once a day (if you don't sit near your team) to share a few words with folks you haven't talked to much before and asking if they need anything doesn't take much and can go a long way in helping people feel that you care.  I knew that I cared for my team but more important, I wanted them to know that I did, so that they felt comfortable enough to come to me with any concerns or feedback that could improve our processes and organization in any way.

Everyone is Great - In Their Own Way (but maybe not for your team!)

You may find that some people on your team aren't doing well.  On my team, many folks assumed that these people had some flaw, some fault in character, or simply possessed a lax work ethic.  I generally haven't found this to be true when someone isn't performing.

I sat down and talked with the so-called "problem people" individually.  They were all incredibly smart in their own way.  It came down to job fit.  People work because they want to: When they feel connected with their task and with their colleagues, they feel engaged.  No amount of carrots and sticks will make people really bring themselves fully to their jobs if it's a case of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

Nonetheless, the wrong fit can cause problems and grief to the greater team, so I made sure to address these cases in a timely manner for resolution.  But, it's usually not the case that there's just something "wrong" with the person.  When I spoke with underperformers, I opened without accusations or assumptions - just observations.  Then I invited the person to present his or her point of view first.  I acknowledged their viewpoint and gave them a realistic view of what they'd need to do to succeed on the team.  It was their choice - they could do what was needed, or they could always choose another path.

Each time, I found that not only did the individual feel vindicated, they were gratified that they weren't seen as a cog in the machine; consequently their attitude improved even though a few ultimately decided to leave.  I was happy to see them move onto great roles suited to them.

Moreover, other team members saw that it's possible to figure out a solution that doesn't dehumanize anybody involved.  As a result, team members felt safer to be themselves within their roles.

Present Reality, Inspire Hope

I never imagined I'd quote Napoleon, but he purportedly said something akin to "Present reality, but inspire hope" with regards to firing up his troops. I really do believe in this.  You can't hide the truth, however ugly, from anybody for very long.  People are smart; they figure things out!  I always try to convey to my teams the reality of the circumstance, but follow it up with what I am (or what management is) doing to mitigate and/or what we can do as a team to make lemonade out of lemons.

If people know that influencing factors are internal and therefore controllable, they are more at ease.  I know that's true for me!  Most important, let everyone know that you're in it together, and that there's nothing that you can't overcome as a team. Solidarity is a great feeling, and it binds people; they know they're not cast into the waves of uncertainty alone.

These are the main themes of what I believe makes a difference in nurturing a team of productive, motivated individuals.  A team may be a collective of people, but it comprises individual human beings who have their own perspectives and histories to bring to bear.  If you see your team as people no matter what kind of organization you're in - even if their core job is flipping widgets - you're already well on your way to having the kind of approach that cultivates a strong ship.

Nurturing People = Nurturing Motivation: Part 1

Yes, you *can* motivate people!

Have you ever slogged away at some task, whether for work or school, and thought, "Why am I doing this?"  I certainly have - whether it's because I didn't know why it was applicable to my life (during school - I won't mention which subject!) or why I was being asked to do what I was doing because I didn't have the appropriate context.

There has been no shortage of discussion on how to motivate people, especially at the workplace.  During the past two years I've had the pleasure (in all senses of the word) of managing teams.  I've learned a great deal from working with these wonderful people.  Overall, I cannot emphasize enough that every manager should see their team for what it is - a group of distinct individuals who are wholly human, just like you.

It doesn't matter whether you have one person reporting to you, or 50 (as has been the case for me).  The moment you begin to see a team merely as metrics of output, you've dehumanized everyone.  That can lead to behaviors or actions/inactions that lead to disengagement.  People pick up on these subtleties in communication, or lack thereof.

I'd like to share with you some of my most valuable learnings.  They may seem like simple common sense, but often the obvious bears revisiting.

Know What Your Team Does

It's critical to know what your folks do so that you can connect with them and understand what they're going through.  Otherwise if they come to you with a problem, you may not know its nature and how to best handle it.  If possible, the best way to do this is to do the job yourself.

My teams' core directive is work that is crucial to the business and yet rather repetitive in nature. Team members can't simply "check out" mentally either, because the task itself requires a great deal of detailed analysis, research, and concentration.

To understand their job, I went through the same training as new hires, and placed myself at the mercy of quality control as I completed tasks.  Having done this hundreds of times, I can understand what my team does on a daily basis and troubleshoot when needed.

Let People Know You Understand

In having done the same job as my team, I can also understand how easily one can become demotivated: Why am I doing this? It's repetitive, my work won't readily lead to significant innovations or recognition, why should I work hard?

In other realms, I know that I am willing to work on such "drudgery" as tendus at the barre for dance and scales on the piano because I understand the context, and I know what's in it for me: If I don't regularly practice these rote tasks to the utmost of my ability, I won't be able to dance well, or play music well. Everything, even the smallest thing, has its place in the overall goal of being an artist and performer.

As a manager, it's important to provide this context to people. I've found that it can make a real difference in motivation if you:

1) Acknowledge that your folks' work may be repetitive and boring in nature/difficult/whatever challenge they face … 

… but …

2) Convey what ultimate impact their work brings to the business so they can make the connection

3) Encourage them to look for ways to bring their own creativity and problem solving skills into the mix within the parameters you work in - and to share any best practices they develop.

That way people know you understand what they're going through - the good, the bad, and the ugly - but they know they can bring themselves to their roles in a way that makes sense for the business.

We All Want to Learn and to Grow

Give people the opportunity to learn, and give them the chance to stretch the limits of their ability in ways that are manageable.  In other words, promote good stress - present surmountable challenges.  It creates a tough but scalable mountain for people to climb.

If you present Mount Everest and tell people to get to the top, which is so high that no one can see it from the ground, few are going to be motivated enough to even get up to base camp because there is no end in sight.

For example, I've looked for opportunities for my team members to work on special projects.  Sometimes projects have come to us, but often I've reached out to the engineering teams to see what we can help them with.  I give those folks who are poised for more stimulation to keep them growing and motivated the chance to work on these projects.  And depending on how they do, they may get more in the future, or become mentors to others.  They grow, and the projects break up the monotony of their core jobs.

A Few Kind Words

In general, I believe that people want to serve, people want to be of value, and they want to matter.  I certainly do!  As my mother said to me and my sister when we were kids, "Be a Useful Bunny!",  referring to a coloring book of Bugs Bunny being such a slacker that he nearly lost his girlfriend before he finally shaped up.  (He even let all her ice cream melt because he didn't turn on the freezer like he was supposed to - he took a nap instead!)

This innate desire to be of value is why acknowledgement of achievements and efforts is so important.  Especially in a job function where the activity is rote and people can feel reduced to a set of quality and productivity metrics, it's a manager's job to bring back the humanity of the job to make sure people remain engaged.

Otherwise, people begin to lose the sense of personal connectedness to their role and to the greater good, and why they matter to the team, the organization, and the company.  If they feel like they don't matter, why should they even try to do well?  Disengagement is not where anyone wants to be, and it causes the organization and business to suffer.

Little things don't take much effort, and they can go a long way.  When I saw that people on my team were making improvements in their productivity and quality, even if they hadn't yet met targets, I sent them emails congratulating them on their progress and encouraged them to keep it up.  I asked them to let me know if there was anything I could do to support them in their journey.  This not only showed that I actually noticed their individual progress; it showed that I noticed them at all.

This had a profound effect.  People responded enthusiastically, and the morale improvement was palpable on the floor - there was energy and a heightened sense of connectedness.  And, it only took me a few minutes to talk to my leads to see who they were concerned about, check the metrics, and send an email.  Such a simple thing took almost no effort on my part, but I wanted them to know that each of the recipients was a valued team member - I took it upon myself to care, as I believe every manager should.

There's more to come - I didn't want to create an unduly long post, so please stay tuned for Part 2!

Competition as Learning Opportunity: A Frame of Mind

You know the feeling: Someone got a nod from the executive director for a good idea at a meeting and you think, "That could've been me!" Or, there's a dancer in your class or company who can seem to do no wrong *and* nail every triple pirouette.  These situations bring out your competitive spirit, which can grow from admiration to jealousy. You can let it eat you alive, or you can use it to help you be the best you can be so you can identify strengths, areas of improvement, and fire you up to form a game plan for continuous learning.  

In other words, what mindset you have can make a dramatic difference in your own personal outcome.  There's competition for the pure sake of it, and there's competition and progress.  To illustrate, the brilliant pianist Lang Lang's early childhood was dominated by the singular desire to be No. 1, whether it was to place first in every competition he entered, or to rank first at the conservatory.  When he didn't place in his second competition, the young Lang Lang beat up his consolation prize (a stuffed dog) in fury.  It wasn't until his mid-teens that his teacher, Gary Graffman, asked him to give up competitions and encouraged him to look inside himself and the music he played.  Until he could do this, the young pianist would not be able to learn the artistic depth required of a consummate musician.  Lang Lang is now considered one of the most exciting and engaging classical pianists in the world today. 

Whenever I feel that sense of urgency upon seeing excellence exhibited by another and that secret, terrible thought voices itself: "That could be me! ... Right?", I remember the below.  Give these a try when you're bitten by the competitive bug and see how you can grow!

Acknowledge the desire to be the best you can be.

It's natural to want to do well and to gain recognition for your talents and skills.  Understanding this and being okay with it is the first step on the path to learning!

Allow the performance, knowledge, and skills demonstrated by others light a fire under you.

Think about what you can work on - where does that other person shine?  What could you do to gain skill and/or expertise in that area?

Remember what you’re good at, and work on making these assets even stronger.

In doing so, people will see clearly where you shine!

For example, I have some significant shortcomings as a Chinese dancer in terms of technique and flexibility. When I'm in class, I always work on every aspect to try and improve where I am weaker to gain overall prowess as a dancer.  When I perform, however, I learn choreography that challenges me and yet allows me to show my greatest strengths - high energy, knee turns, and acting.  Similarly, in high school tennis matches I would try to set up plays so that I could be close to the net for low, fast hits since I regularly found myself noticeably shorter than my opponents. 

Use others’ competitiveness to your advantage. 

I don’t mean to go out of your way to hurt others; I mean to let the most negative parts bounce off you and to absorb the rest and convert it into positive energy for you.  That sounds remarkably new agey, so let me illustrate with an example.  

I was an underdog when I played competitive tennis in high school.  My opponents, usually tall, leggy girls, would see a short kid with socks pulled all the way up and a big hat my mother would make me wear so I wouldn’t get sunburnt.  In other words, I didn’t look like a tennis player; I looked awkward.  But the match would start and there would be surprise; I wasn’t a bad player, after all.  I would often face opponents who would grow frustrated as I gained points and won games in a set; I could feel anger searing me from across the court.  But, the more hostile an opponent got, the calmer and more focused I became.  I simply channeled her anger into quiet control on my part, and I would usually win these games.  I’d developed a way to take someone else’s negative energy and use it to help me focus.  

If you really have to compete with someone or something, compete with yourself.  

Accomplished something?  Set a new goal!  That way, you’ll drive yourself to achieve on ever higher levels, rather than allow admiration of another turn into envy or jealousy on dangerous levels (a little bit can be helpful to push you, though).  

Celebrate your successes.

Compete with yourself, yes, but remember to celebrate your successes when you reach a milestone; take a moment to stop and acknowledge what you’ve accomplished.  Otherwise, if you’re like me, you’ll just look to the next goal and risk driving yourself to exhaustion because you can ultimately never become a master of anything!  

For example, the last time I was promoted, I thought, "yes!" and then the next day it was, "what’s it going to take to prove myself, and what do I need to do to make it to the next level?"  In the dance studio, I hadn’t realized the extent of the progress I’d made towards executing a series of difficult "propeller" turns until my coach mentioned at the end of my rehearsal that even though I was far from perfect, I’d come a long way already.  I realized I could only see what still wasn’t working and had focused only on what lay ahead.  It was a lovely moment, to stop and realize that yes, I was no longer falling all over the place and feeling nauseous!  

Be aware that there will always be someone who can do something better than you, in some way. (And that's okay!)

We can’t be super or even proficient at everything, and that’s an incredible blessing.  When you feel that pang in your chest that someone is better than you, remind yourself that this person may be better than you at something - not that he or she is intrinsically better than you.  Therein lies the difference, and only when you believe this will you have the power to take a step back and assess what it is that person does well, and how you can learn from them.  That way, every situation is an opportunity to grow.  

That’s the beauty and mystery of life; if we could become absolute masters, we’d have to move onto something new lest we stagnate and lose that sense of possibility and learning.  Although I must admit that in my most down-trodden moments I wonder if I tell myself this only to assuage my bruised sense of self-worth, the tactic works.  Separate the self from the situation, as painful and difficult as it is, and seek to understand what you can gain.  In the end, I hope you’ll find, as I have, that a competitive spirit can be a surprisingly collaborative one at its heart.