Strategy Blueprint for Life

Nope, no epitaph for me!

What started out as a "Gratitude Exercise" from Olivia Fox Cabane's excellent book The Charisma Myth turned out to be an exercise in discovering the strategy blueprint for my life!

Cabane maintains that gratitude can transform your entire body language into positive energy, and therefore enhance charisma. (If nothing else, read her chapter "Creating Charismatic Mental States."  It will make you a warmer, more compassionate person.) She provides exercises to find gratitude, and one of them is to:

Imagine your own funeral

No kidding. The idea is to be flooded with gratitude when you realize you're still alive.  I thought, why not give it a try, just for kicks.  The result?  Not gratitude for being alive - I'm pretty happy about that every day, to be honest - but I got a sure-fire strategy on how I'm going to live my life.

I'll share what I wrote, by hand, at a Starbucks on Battery Street on a miraculously sunny San Francisco summer day.

My Funeral

My funeral is held outdoors, on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  It's midday, sunny, a bit breezy.  No stuffy interiors or heavy-scented flowers (ugh).  It is a Saturday. Nature is all around.  Guests had to walk a bit from their cars, but they were prepared beforehand on what to expect.  People (a fairly contained crowd of those who knew and loved me most) know why they're there - I love the sea, the wind.  No chairs.  This is not a long, stuffy eulogy-type thing.

A few people talk.  Those closest to me.  ~10-15 minutes each.  People take leaves or flower petals and scatter them over the ocean afterwards.  No coffin, no nothing.  Cremation, yo!

During the speeches, people talk about how I was a warm, caring person who made others' lives better or richer in some way.  That I was full of life and curiosity, always excited about something.  That I delighted them with my dancing, music, and interesting topics of conversation.  They'd have no regrets for me, because I'll have tried all the things I wanted!

I won't have a tombstone, because no coffin, remember?  It might be nice to have a plaque somewhere.  Something that says: 

"Life is awesome!  Live the life you want, now!" 

... in my memory.  My name doesn't have to be on it.  In fact, it should be anonymous, so that henceforth people can see it and think, "Yeah!  What am I doing with my life?  Carpe diem!" and do something about it (or at least think about it). 

I don't feel teary-eyed or even intense, thinking about my own funeral.  I trust myself enough to know that if there's something I really want to try in my life, I'm going to go do it.  So by the time I move on, I'll be okay with it.

Sure, it's a bit surreal (and a wee bit tingly) thinking about being gone, but after all, we've got to go sometime.  If our time was infinite, we might not ever feel enough urgency to get out there and DO stuff that's meaningful to us.

Neither is life a ticking timepiece.  All in good time - only I'll know when it's time to take another leap, big or small.  There's never a perfect time.  Just do it when it's appropriate, or at least set the wheels in motion for it to happen.

I've lived a fulfilling life by the time my goodbye happens, so it'll be sentimental but joyous.  I want people to miss me and to remember me, but to be happy.  After the brief speeches and scattering of leaves/petals, there will be food.  And a dance party.  LIFE CONTINUES!

***

It all came tumbling out very smoothly, very surely.  I was delighted as I surprised myself by what turned out to be an exercise in self-affirmation.

Now I'll have even more impetus to make calculated risks to do the things I want in my life.  Because at the end of life, no one ever talks about things they regret they did; they talk about the what-ifs in their life.  I don't want that!

As I finished writing, I was left with a sense of shimmering energy and joy.  I can feel it as I write this, now.

Give it a shot - write about your own funeral!  You never know what you'll learn about yourself.  You just might discover what really matters to you.

Reducing Life's Noise

Beta scratchpad of my very first To-Don't List!

How many To-Do lists do you have?  I confess that I currently have three:

• Work
• Personal
• A dumping repository of things I want to remember to do but are lower priority, such as the title of a book that piqued my interest during a weekend browsing session at the local bookstore (one of the few that still exist)

Despite the satisfaction of checking something off one of my lists, the items continue to grow ... and grow, and grow.  What if we decided to subtract, rather than add, to our lives?

This is a wonderful idea from Tom Peters and Jim Collins, the authors of In Search of Excellence and Good to Great, respectively.  I was introduced to it by reading motivation guru Dan Pink's excellent book Drive, and also found it on productivity expert Peter Bregman's blogpost on the Wall Street Journal. The To-Don't List is #6 on Pink's recent manifesto FLIP: 16 Counter-Intuitive Ideas about Motivation (downloadable from his site):

"The key insight of both Peters and Collins is that we spend too much time on addition and not nearly enough on subtraction. Yet it's only by taking away what doesn't matter that allows us to reveal what does matter."

Here's my list, strategically placed so that it's constantly visible (on my desktop, mobile, cube wall):

• Don't snack after 8pm
  (I tend to go overboard and end up with lovely case of indigestion)

• Don't accept meetings or conference calls I wouldn't have initiated myself
  (sorry Dan, I took that straight from you - it's a really valuable one!)

• Don't snack before practicing the piano in the evening
  (it's only to put off the inevitable)

• Don't go to bed after 11 pm

• Don't say 'yes' to requests merely out of habit

• Don't be a perfectionist when the task at hand doesn't require the extra mile

Simply writing these down has stopped me in my tracks even thinking about doing some of the above.  This evening I thought about snacking on something sweet after dinner, but it was already after 8pm.  Though I was sorely tempted, I remembered my new list.  I made a deal with myself: I'd wait twenty minutes and then if I still really wanted that snack, I'd get it.  That wasn't victory outright, but it was a start! 

That's how powerful writing down a list can be.  As Pink writes:

"... merely by making those productivity and satisfaction destroyers explicit, and facing them day after day, I clarify what is truly important to me - producing good work and spending time with those I care about." 

That sounds like a good deal to me!  

So, what's on your list?

Giving Back - Corporate Wellness

Dance: One of my non-corporate passions!

I find my corporate life challenging, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has other passions that aren't currently being applied to my core job.  

To give myself the chance to explore and grow in these areas, I try to find outlets to do what I love by giving back to the workplace community in the hopes that this will help my colleagues improve their own lives and perhaps contribute to others within and without the corporate realm.  

To do this, I volunteer my time as a faculty member of Google's internal education team, teaching courses on leadership, project management, and time and energy management. I am also a contributing writer for the company's internal health and wellness program, Optimize Your Life. Recently, I was named "Wellness Champion"!  

Below is the piece that ran in the monthly newsletter. Although it mentions a specific company, what I discuss below is applicable to anybody, anywhere. I hope that by taking a moment to read this, you'll 1) be reminded of what's most important in your life, and 2) think about how you can give these elements the attention they deserve.


This month’s wellness champion is Susan Lin! 

Susan has penned many articles  related to stress management for Optimize Your Life What motivates you to write articles for OYL?
As Googlers, we tend to be passionate about our jobs and everything we do in our lives; the commitment we bring to each is a wonderful thing.  However, the demands of our jobs, family, and other responsibilities can place a lot of pressure on us and we're constantly faced with decisions and tradeoffs.  

I've thought a lot about how to enable ourselves to do all the things we want to do while staying sane and even feeling empowered, while negotiating everything that demands our time and energy.  I'm always excited about sharing any insights and tips that have worked for me and for others, and OYL is the perfect platform through which to reach and hopefully help fellow Googlers!   

How did you become interested in emotional health?
Life can throw so many curveballs and it all comes down to how you deal with those ups and downs.  I've always tried to turn to myself to see how I can be stronger during times of challenge or hardship, and in the process learned that 1) a great deal is actually within your control, and 2) it's okay to ask for help!  

In other words, our peace and happiness levels are in large part determined by our own perspectives; it can be difficult (or impossible) to change other people or our surroundings in any given moment, but we can work with ourselves.  And sometimes, we need the support of others to help us figure things out.  This combination of strength and vulnerability is key, and I've been exploring how this can work in various situations to help us lead more balanced and happy lives.  

What is your vision for health (specifically emotional health) at Google?
I see Googlers who are passionate about their jobs and who allocate enough time and energy towards the things that are important to them: self, health, and family.  Work is important, but not at the total expense of these other elements.  

This means time at Google, whether at work or sweating it out at a G-Fit class, and time away from Google with friends and family, or doing whatever makes you happy.  That's what helps make an engaged and productive Googler.  It's that constant desire to achieve the right balance in life so that we feel refreshed and ready to tackle those stretch OKRs (goals) when it's time to work.  

If anything in my articles can help people make even a tiny bit of progress towards this balance, that will be the greatest reward I can hope for.

Know Your Body and Know Yourself

Have you tapped into your own personal Google?  

That’s a question that you may hear from Steve Sisgold, one of the warmest and most engaging people you’ll ever meet.  Here’s a person who genuinely cares about you, and wants you to know how all the answers you need to make your life better than it’s ever been are already within you - your own personal Google!

I can’t take credit for that unique turn of phrase.  I met Steve when he came to give a talk at Google last quarter (check it out on YouTube!).  

The main premise of Steve’s wisdom is that if we take notice of and listen to what our bodies are trying to tell us, we can then begin to understand where our anxieties are coming from and thus overcome them to find our truer, happier selves.  He is the author of the book “What’s Your Body Telling You?”, through which you can gain deeper insight on this unique way of assessing our personal wellness.

I find this a thrillingly simple way of “working with what you have”.  We were born with generations of “fight or flight” instincts - our brain and bodies are still wired to help us run away from a charging saber-toothed tiger in our prehistoric days, or to freeze when we see a snake in our path.  But what happens when these instincts kick in when we’re not immediately threatened by literal situations of life or death?  

The result is that we’ve  learned how to suppress these instincts to a certain extent.  But in doing so, are we neglecting the most important signal to understanding ourselves at that moment, to remain forever blind to the keys that could very well unlock our own potential in these crucial moments?

Let’s put it more personally: Have you ever felt a surge within you when you feel strongly about something, only to dismiss it?  Do you ever tell yourself, “That’s ridiculous - there’s no way this is possible,” even before you’ve fully articulated your deepest desires?  This is one way dreams are nipped in the bud.  

The key is to be open to possibility, and to make yourself vulnerable.  All it takes to begin this journey to self-knowledge is simply to notice what your body’s doing at any given moment.  Steve calls this your Body Quotient, or BQ.  

How does this work?  Take a moment and just breathe.  Focus on the quality of your breathing.  What do you notice?  Steve invited us to try this little exercise, and we all discovered something new.  I inhaled deeply quite easily, but found I could not exhale fully.  It struck me that in general I listen to others well and can absorb a lot of stress, but it can be difficult for me to relax and shake loose.  My breathing could very well reflect this. It was a wonderful moment of insight, shared by my fellow participants in their own way.

Our bodies our also like a database of all the experiences we’ve ever had.  If you don’t know why your mind is willing but the rest of you is not, ask your body: What are beliefs that I carry in my body that prevent me from doing what I want?  This is what Steve meant by tapping into your own personal Google.  

What do we mean by ‘beliefs we carry in our bodies’?  Steve told a story about a man who cringed whenever colleagues patted him on the back; they thought he was just weird, but it turned out that when this man was growing up his older brother would slap him on the back quite unpleasantly.  The man was mentally receptive to his colleagues’ good will, but his body remembered the negative experience associated with the gesture and instinctively he would shrink away. Once he realized what was causing his behavior, he was able to communicate it. To his relief, nobody thought this was strange at all, and his colleagues began to express their approval in a non-physical way.  This is the mind-body connection at work.

Focusing on your body is a startlingly simple way to understand yourself and to navigate life’s challenges starting with you: it’s about listening to your body, and what it’s telling you - right now!

So listen, and articulate what you’re feeling.  You may very well learn why you experience certain anxieties that prevent you from doing what you want, and thus unlock the keys to overcoming them.

Want to learn more about the mind-body connection?  Check out Steve SIsgold’s site and his book!  If you have read Steve's book, watched his videos, or have attended one of his events, please share anything you’ve noticed or learned as a result of applying Steve’s teachings - I look forward to hearing from you!

Embrace Your Fear

If you’re like me, you’re no stranger to the feeling of being scared of something, whether it was of the dark when you were a kid, of whether eating a durian really tastes like it smells, or of taking on a new challenge at work.  The fear can grow the more we shrink away from whatever we’re afraid of, until even the thought of it can be mentally and physically debilitating.  Fortunately, we can overcome this, or at least make whatever we dread less daunting!  In a nutshell, embrace your fear: knowledge leads to familiarity, which tends to lead to less fear since the greater part of the unknown is taken out of the equation.

Here are two main steps that I've found work well to chip away that fear and help you become more informed and confident.  

Acknowledge Your Fear
It’s okay to be afraid of something.  Don’t worry if you think you’re the only one afraid - other people probably share the same or similar fears, but just haven’t let on!  This is the first step to understanding what it is you’re afraid of and to enable you to take action.  

As an example, when I had the opportunity to really make a difference in my organization, I was gripped by the thought: “What if I don’t deliver to expectations? I finally have this chance!  What if I screw up?  What if something happens and we don’t launch?”  The list grew longer, and I had bouts of what felt like paralysis: my fear was preventing me from doing what I needed to do to get onto the road to success.  

The last thing I needed was a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by fear!  At a certain point, I knew this wasn’t going to work; it was exhausting me.  I took some deep breaths and tried to clear my mind of the clutter (listening to calming music beforehand was helpful).  I told myself, “I’m petrified that I’ll fail in this project.  That’s okay.  Uncertainty is naturally scary.  So why beat yourself up about it?  You won’t know how things will turn out until you really try.”

It sounds silly, but telling yourself that you know your fear is there and that it’s okay can have a powerful effect.  After I came to this conclusion, the fear no longer consumed me, but sort of rode alongside me like a sidecar to a motorcycle - it was there, but smaller, and at each milestone I was reminded me of how far I had come.  

Get to Know What You’ve Been Fearing
Baby steps are absolutely fine, and may even be the best option so as not to overwhelm yourself.  This step is what demystifies whatever has been looming ominously in your life, and will thereafter be cut down to its real size.  If what you fear is a skill that you’ve always avoided for whatever reason but want to have, for example, start by doing some preliminary research online, and maybe even work your way up to taking a course.

I’d always avoided anything having to do with finances like the plague - those cold numbers would stare back at me and my mind would go blank.  I wanted nothing to do with them.  And yet, I wanted to gain enough knowledge to at least be able to manage my personal finances intelligently, as well as to understand budget forecasts and participate in relevant discussions on the job.  I felt a sense of helpless urgency.

So, I started with a small step.  I searched online for the basics on personal finance to get to know a few terms and some best practices.  I took notes.  However, I soon found myself getting overwhelmed by all that financial jargon, and forced myself to stop before I burned out and put up a thicker wall between me and the object of my fear.  

I began to find ways to research that worked for me; I pinpointed a few sites that presented material in a way I could understand fairly well and allocated a short period of time each week to learn something new or review a concept I’d encountered the last time.  I started with just one session a week, for 15 minutes.  If I decided to research longer, that was fine, as long as I stopped before I got frustrated.  

You can do the same: experiment, and find out what works for you.  Then, set a little regimen for yourself.  The key is to set your goals achieveably low - this is not the time to set those aggressive stretch goals!  You want to make progress, not to hit the wall.

Eventually, I worked up my courage to enroll in a class on navigating finances in a corporate setting.  This presented a whole new level of trepidation for me - personal finance was one thing, but corporate finance?  I was afraid the material would go over my head, but I’d committed to giving it a try.  

The result was amazing - with a great instructor and useful activities, I was soon wielding equations and crunching numbers to analyze case studies.  With my initial fears, I never would have thought this possible.  

What changed?  The numbers and concepts I’d been so scared of were brought to my level of eyesight for close examination, demystified, and voila, I could work with them.  Now, let me say that I’m nowhere close to being a finance whiz, but the key is that I’m not longer half as afraid of the concept and of the numbers as I was before.  

Take action!
The above steps are simple in nature, and yet not necessarily easy.  But, I've found them very effective for all kinds of apprehensiveness: learning a new dance form that puts me way out of my comfort zone (hip hop!), the thought of the disastrous results if I attempted play a piano piece I used to know well but could hardly muster after years of not practicing (so much easier to just not try!), to name two.  

Just make sure you’re not sitting on your hands, avoiding your fear and letting it grow - take action!  Acknowledge that your fear is there, then start taking the mystery out of it.  It can be as small as searching online for information, or to break down the activity into bite-sized portions so it's not as daunting.  

Fear is a natural, inevitable part of our lives.  It’s in our hands - we can keep pushing away what we fear and let it grow into a monster, or we can take control of our lives to gain valuable knowledge and emerge with that much more confidence in ourselves.

Are there any strategies, tactics, mantras, etc. that have worked for you deal with fear?  I'd love to hear from you!

Daily Rituals

Chances are, there are certain things you do every morning when you get up.  Whether it’s drinking a cup of coffee, feeding the cat, or hitting the gym, these little rituals are what jumpstart you.  To get your creative juices flowing and ready for the workday whether you’re looking for a new way to spice up the steps in the piece you’re rehearsing or a new way to approach a solution with a client, it can be wonderfully grounding to apply some structure in your life.  

This structure can take many forms, and one of them is that of the daily routine, or daily ritual (the credit for this inspiration goes to Twyla Tharp, again!).  For example, a colleague of mine gets up at 5:30 every morning and swims for 45 minutes, after which he sits down and writes in his online journal.  It’s his way of getting in his exercise and clearing his mind, all before he gets to the office.  

Establishing a daily ritual can be especially important when traveling.  We work in increasingly global organizations, and sometimes we’re asked to travel to collaborate directly with our colleagues and partners in other parts of the world.  Perhaps you’re lucky enough to be touring with your performing arts organization or as a solo artist.  Being away from home can be stressful enough as it is, much less having to shoulder the responsibilities of preparing presentations for a meeting, getting bloated limbs to cooperate in rehearsal, and being your most productive when you’re fatigued and jet-lagged.

Figuring out your daily routine and sticking to it can give you the right rhythm to your days on the road.  When the environment is different and life presents greater uncertainties, your daily routine, if adhered to, can give you the psychological comfort of having at least one thing you have control over.  

During the past year I traveled to Beijing very frequently for my office job and spent several weeks at a time there.  Even though I became familiar with the area, being away from family and the familiar comforts of home (read: dance class, my piano) inevitably took a toll.  After a bit of experimentation, I figured out what I needed to do.  I got up every morning at 6:00 to do a full ballet barre and some center work, then headed to the office.  After work, no matter how tired I was, I exercised for at least another 30 minutes to sweat and engage my body after mostly sitting all day.  Then came my favorite part: the hot shower, then sitting in bed with my journal listening to music.  Sleep.

After I established this daily ritual, my energy levels improved and I felt that I’d finally added my own personal stamp to my life abroad.  

Of course, this can apply equally well to life without travel.  Life throws us surprises of all kinds, and it can be overwhelming to deal with them - work, family, friends, health.  But, if you have your tried and true daily ritual to return to, it can help remind you that you do have control over your life.  

Even if you wake up and wonder how you’re going to drag yourself out of bed and face your inbox at the office or engage your aching muscles at the dance studio, you know you’ll feel better after you’ve gone through your daily ritual.  You’ll be that much more ready to face your day and do what you need to do.  Who knows, maybe you’ll even exceed your own expectations!

Do you have a daily ritual that works for you?  Share a Comment; I’d love to hear from you!