You know the feeling: Someone got a nod from the executive director for a good idea at a meeting and you think, "That could've been me!" Or, there's a dancer in your class or company who can seem to do no wrong *and* nail every triple pirouette. These situations bring out your competitive spirit, which can grow from admiration to jealousy. You can let it eat you alive, or you can use it to help you be the best you can be so you can identify strengths, areas of improvement, and fire you up to form a game plan for continuous learning.
In other words, what mindset you have can make a dramatic difference in your own personal outcome. There's competition for the pure sake of it, and there's competition and progress. To illustrate, the brilliant pianist Lang Lang's early childhood was dominated by the singular desire to be No. 1, whether it was to place first in every competition he entered, or to rank first at the conservatory. When he didn't place in his second competition, the young Lang Lang beat up his consolation prize (a stuffed dog) in fury. It wasn't until his mid-teens that his teacher, Gary Graffman, asked him to give up competitions and encouraged him to look inside himself and the music he played. Until he could do this, the young pianist would not be able to learn the artistic depth required of a consummate musician. Lang Lang is now considered one of the most exciting and engaging classical pianists in the world today.
Whenever I feel that sense of urgency upon seeing excellence exhibited by another and that secret, terrible thought voices itself: "That could be me! ... Right?", I remember the below. Give these a try when you're bitten by the competitive bug and see how you can grow!
Acknowledge the desire to be the best you can be.
It's natural to want to do well and to gain recognition for your talents and skills. Understanding this and being okay with it is the first step on the path to learning!
Allow the performance, knowledge, and skills demonstrated by others light a fire under you.
Think about what you can work on - where does that other person shine? What could you do to gain skill and/or expertise in that area?
Remember what you’re good at, and work on making these assets even stronger.
In doing so, people will see clearly where you shine!
For example, I have some significant shortcomings as a Chinese dancer in terms of technique and flexibility. When I'm in class, I always work on every aspect to try and improve where I am weaker to gain overall prowess as a dancer. When I perform, however, I learn choreography that challenges me and yet allows me to show my greatest strengths - high energy, knee turns, and acting. Similarly, in high school tennis matches I would try to set up plays so that I could be close to the net for low, fast hits since I regularly found myself noticeably shorter than my opponents.
Use others’ competitiveness to your advantage.
I don’t mean to go out of your way to hurt others; I mean to let the most negative parts bounce off you and to absorb the rest and convert it into positive energy for you. That sounds remarkably new agey, so let me illustrate with an example.
I was an underdog when I played competitive tennis in high school. My opponents, usually tall, leggy girls, would see a short kid with socks pulled all the way up and a big hat my mother would make me wear so I wouldn’t get sunburnt. In other words, I didn’t look like a tennis player; I looked awkward. But the match would start and there would be surprise; I wasn’t a bad player, after all. I would often face opponents who would grow frustrated as I gained points and won games in a set; I could feel anger searing me from across the court. But, the more hostile an opponent got, the calmer and more focused I became. I simply channeled her anger into quiet control on my part, and I would usually win these games. I’d developed a way to take someone else’s negative energy and use it to help me focus.
If you really have to compete with someone or something, compete with yourself.
Accomplished something? Set a new goal! That way, you’ll drive yourself to achieve on ever higher levels, rather than allow admiration of another turn into envy or jealousy on dangerous levels (a little bit can be helpful to push you, though).
Celebrate your successes.
Compete with yourself, yes, but remember to celebrate your successes when you reach a milestone; take a moment to stop and acknowledge what you’ve accomplished. Otherwise, if you’re like me, you’ll just look to the next goal and risk driving yourself to exhaustion because you can ultimately never become a master of anything!
For example, the last time I was promoted, I thought, "yes!" and then the next day it was, "what’s it going to take to prove myself, and what do I need to do to make it to the next level?" In the dance studio, I hadn’t realized the extent of the progress I’d made towards executing a series of difficult "propeller" turns until my coach mentioned at the end of my rehearsal that even though I was far from perfect, I’d come a long way already. I realized I could only see what still wasn’t working and had focused only on what lay ahead. It was a lovely moment, to stop and realize that yes, I was no longer falling all over the place and feeling nauseous!
Be aware that there will always be someone who can do something better than you, in some way. (And that's okay!)
We can’t be super or even proficient at everything, and that’s an incredible blessing. When you feel that pang in your chest that someone is better than you, remind yourself that this person may be better than you at something - not that he or she is intrinsically better than you. Therein lies the difference, and only when you believe this will you have the power to take a step back and assess what it is that person does well, and how you can learn from them. That way, every situation is an opportunity to grow.
That’s the beauty and mystery of life; if we could become absolute masters, we’d have to move onto something new lest we stagnate and lose that sense of possibility and learning. Although I must admit that in my most down-trodden moments I wonder if I tell myself this only to assuage my bruised sense of self-worth, the tactic works. Separate the self from the situation, as painful and difficult as it is, and seek to understand what you can gain. In the end, I hope you’ll find, as I have, that a competitive spirit can be a surprisingly collaborative one at its heart.
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